The Bad Beans

I'm running through the damp countryside, fully dressed in my soldier uniform with only one goal: to find a suitable place to relieve my bowels. You see, only hours before, I cooked up a can of beans that seemed quite delicious at the time. I was sitting with my squadron looking through the canned food laid out in front of us and the beans were just calling to me to be consumed. What I did not realize at the time was that the beans were as ferocious a soldier as I and had devilish plans to wage war on my colon.

The main problem is that we have set up camp on this riverbed and the only suitable place to relieve myself is about a five minute walk, or a two minute sprint at the pace I am currently running with. I'm about half way there and running faster than I ever have in my life when a devastating realization hits me: I have forgotten paper. Screeching to a halt, I reverse my direction and begin heading back to the camp to acquire the requisite materials for this latest mission. Making it to camp, I scramble through my bag, find the roll, and resume my sprint. About half way there again, my stomach begins to scream at me. My intestines are in turmoil and the battle is not going well. I fear I might not accomplish my mission. As I tense my muscles for the final push, something goes horribly wrong. My continence abandons me and the explosive force of my bowels nearly knocks me off of my feet. Shame mixed with relief overcome me as I realize that I have lost this battle. Crap! It sure does stink to lose.